10,000 Ripoffs

 

Masil and I entered the theater with so much good vibes. We were certain that 10,000 BC was going to be the best movie of the year! I mean, the trailer was awesome and the posters were brilliant.

————————————————————————-

The movie started with a narration from an old man with a very gloomy voice. Somehow, I thought that it was a bad sign. But I readily dismissed it. I mean, the movie’s from the makers of ID4. I loved that crap.

Anyways, so there’s this one village on top of the mountain where people who look really really good live with people who look really really bad. They all have dreads and they speak funny English [They killed mother! We rest here!]. We see a young boy who falls in love with a girl with blue eyes. He swears true love to her. With the north star as his witness. The movie doesn’t specify how humans 10,000 years ago express their emotions. But apparently, they have perfected the art of hugging and kissing the forehead. 

Enter the village’s Old Mother – a decrepit fashion guru who lacks charisma and character. She lives in this bone house with the rest of the villagers who are lazy enough to build their own houses. D’Leh – our movie’s hero – doesn’t even have a house. Anyways, Old Mother lives a very boring existence by being able to predict the future and get nosebleed just by daydreaming. She predicts that a four-legged demon would soon ravage the village and take her people to a very sad place Apocalypto style.

The villagers decide to forget about her predictions for a while and focus their attention on hunting. They decide to drive a bunch of mammoths [which look eekily like that big guy in Ice Age] into a trap. Our sissy hero accidentally kills one mammoth when his spear gets stuck in a rock and the mammoth literally dived into the cute little stick to die.

As a result, hero gets the white spear – a totally useless spear which is white. This same spear has a special rib-like casing which looks really awesome but is still very useless.

Enter the four-legged demons. They’re humans – with freaky hair - ON HORSES! Woohoo! What a let down! Anyways, maybe the juicy bits are yet to come.

The demons ravage the village, kill ONE mother – reason enough for his son to feel heroic – take 5 or seven men a la Apocalypto, and – TAHDAH – kidnap our hero’s blue-eyed love. Our hero is conveniently sleeping a few hundred meters away from the village wearing only animal skin even when it’s freaking snowing during the attacks.

<Apocalypto: Kidnapped members of Jaguar Paw’s tribe>

Hero vows to get his ‘people’ back, including his one true love, no matter what.

With hero’s father’s BFF [the dude was just prolly bored with village life], and the village’s ‘toughest hunter’… NOT!, hero begins his quest. Add another boy [that boy with the dead mother] to the list, so there’s four of them.

<LOTR 2: The fellowship travelling>

Just like the fellowship, they travel on top of mountains and in waist-deep snow. And thanks to our very smart blue-eyed girl who left pieces of her bracelet just like cute little Hansel and Gretel so that our hero can say ‘This is from her bracelet! She’s alive!, hero and his small group finally get a glimpse of the demons and their prisoners just two days after the kidnapping.

And just two days after leaving an icy community, the demons’s gang reach a forest with nice plants and trees you prolly saw in Jurassic Park 1, 2, 3. Soon after, hero’s gang arrive and they start a very nice plan – free blue-eyed love (BEL) and the rest. The plan needs at least a few hundred battallions for it to be a huge success but thank god for ostrich-looking dinosaurs, some of the demons’ men get eaten.

<Jurassic Park III: Attacked in forest>

Apparently, the demons’ group seems to increase its power as the number of its members decrease so BEL and everyone else gets caught again. Now, hero has to follow the demons’ gang once again as the group caught the kid with the dead mother, too! They even got the ‘toughest hunter’ guy. Shikes! To make things harder, hero’s father’s BFF, becomes ill because of the ostrich-thingy attacks. We are made to believe that his dad’s BFF is done for.

Fast forward and the ‘dad’s BFF recovers, and soon they journey together once again.

That night, while hunting, hero fell down a hole very reminiscent of the hole where Jaguar Paw dropped his pregnant wife and son. Despite the many sharp rocks and sticks [it was a trap, see], hero finds himself knocked out in the middle, safe and sound. And smiling in his sleep. Suddenly, it starts raining and hero wakes up to find out that a huge sabertooth was also trapped in the same hole. The saber tooth was also very lucky to miss the numerous pointed rocks and sticks which are EVERYWHERE. The saber tooth, however, could not move because of a huge wood. Because hero is a hero, he talks to the saber tooth and makes a deal [Don't eat me and I'll let you go] What the FUCK!?!?!?!. Hero removes the wood and saber tooth runs out of the hole.

<300: Fighting the wolf with a spear>

The next day, hero and the saber tooth meet again in an African village. Sabertooth sniffs hero and recognizes him and just runs off like a total pussy. They have become best friends.

Hero befriends the natives of Africa and encourage them to chase the demons as well. They say yes and soon, they reach the ’sea of land’ with no water. Hero remembers the northstar to which he swore his love for BEL. They follow the north star to get to the ‘Head of the Snake’. They reach the river but it’s too late. The demons get on really lovely boats. There are around 20 boats on the water and all members of the demons’s team as well as all their prisoners are all on only ONE boat. Who are on those other boats?

They all reach a city which was building huge pyramids and sphinxes like the ones you see in Prince of Egypt and Apocalypto. I tell you, Mel Gibson should get 50% of whatever this movie makes. The city uses thousands of people as slaves and they use mammoths to carry rocks.

The city is ruled by a girly leader/god just like that latino stud in 300 and that dude in Stargate who surrounds himself with kids and people with albino.

<300: The girly persian leader/god>

<Stargate: the girly Sun God Ra and his kids>

Hero starts a revolution and encourage all slaves to fight back. With the help of a blind albino who encourages everyone inside the theater to laugh instead of gaze in total awe, hero becomes overly-confident.

BEL, on the other hand, after being bitchslapped, gets scars which form a certain constellation. The high priests think this is the mark and they tie her in the middle of the platform just like what they did to Andromeda in The Clash of the Titans.

Our hero is trapped. If he goes on with the attack, the priests rip BEL apart. But if he turns away, he lets the prisoners go. No one is breathing. Everyone wants to know what hero will do.

Suddenly, hero throws a spear at the leader/god. He gets hit [wow!] and starts rolling down the stairs. No special effects and all and leader/god just dies. Hero gets to shout ‘He is not God!’

Slaves fight back and the city is in chaos.

BEL gets kidnapped once again but she’s an ass and she stabs her kidnapper. But the kidnapper shoots her with an arrow and she dies. So sad.

But Old Mother – who once again gets nosebleed - breathes out a blue fume [that must REALLY smell] which travelled thousands of miles and across rivers, straight into BEL’s nostrils. And BEL breathes again! Yoohoo! And then Old Mother dies. Woohoo!

Hero and BEL and everyone else go back to their lives leaving the city which is now totally fucked up.

Hero and BEL start planting corn and make babies.

The end.

—————————————-