10,000 Ripoffs

 

Masil and I entered the theater with so much good vibes. We were certain that 10,000 BC was going to be the best movie of the year! I mean, the trailer was awesome and the posters were brilliant.

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The movie started with a narration from an old man with a very gloomy voice. Somehow, I thought that it was a bad sign. But I readily dismissed it. I mean, the movie’s from the makers of ID4. I loved that crap.

Anyways, so there’s this one village on top of the mountain where people who look really really good live with people who look really really bad. They all have dreads and they speak funny English [They killed mother! We rest here!]. We see a young boy who falls in love with a girl with blue eyes. He swears true love to her. With the north star as his witness. The movie doesn’t specify how humans 10,000 years ago express their emotions. But apparently, they have perfected the art of hugging and kissing the forehead. 

Enter the village’s Old Mother – a decrepit fashion guru who lacks charisma and character. She lives in this bone house with the rest of the villagers who are lazy enough to build their own houses. D’Leh – our movie’s hero – doesn’t even have a house. Anyways, Old Mother lives a very boring existence by being able to predict the future and get nosebleed just by daydreaming. She predicts that a four-legged demon would soon ravage the village and take her people to a very sad place Apocalypto style.

The villagers decide to forget about her predictions for a while and focus their attention on hunting. They decide to drive a bunch of mammoths [which look eekily like that big guy in Ice Age] into a trap. Our sissy hero accidentally kills one mammoth when his spear gets stuck in a rock and the mammoth literally dived into the cute little stick to die.

As a result, hero gets the white spear – a totally useless spear which is white. This same spear has a special rib-like casing which looks really awesome but is still very useless.

Enter the four-legged demons. They’re humans – with freaky hair - ON HORSES! Woohoo! What a let down! Anyways, maybe the juicy bits are yet to come.

The demons ravage the village, kill ONE mother – reason enough for his son to feel heroic – take 5 or seven men a la Apocalypto, and – TAHDAH – kidnap our hero’s blue-eyed love. Our hero is conveniently sleeping a few hundred meters away from the village wearing only animal skin even when it’s freaking snowing during the attacks.

<Apocalypto: Kidnapped members of Jaguar Paw’s tribe>